What's my life really becoming?

Like the title says, what is my life really becoming?  I went from being happy, to planning a wedding, to planning a baby and now I don't know what plans I have for my life. 

Sometimes I don't even know if I am going to be going at this alone. Am I going to be raising this baby on my own? is he going to be in this with me? I just don't know. All I do know is that I am saving for a rainy day.  I look down at my finger and I see this ring. A ring that is to be a symbol of his affection, of his love and want to be with me, but lately I don't even think he likes me. He keeps changing his habits and the flow we had. Now we're on different wave lengths and I don't think that he really cares anymore. I feel like he is here because we got pregnant now.

I feel awful that I have not gotten excited to be a mom. The plans I had were all coming true. I wanted nothing more than to marry a man who loves me. Start a family and just be happy. Did I plan for ups and downs, of course but I was naive enough to think that love could surpass that. Now that it isn't working I wonder if I am cut out for this life that I had planned for myself. Maybe I am not cut out to be a mother, maybe I am not cut out to be a wife. Maybe I'm not cut out to be here period.

And,here I am coming up with reasons as to why my life is miserable. I should be condemned for saying some of the things that I do and feelins that Iam having. Did this baby happen at the wrong time? Are we just not meant to be? Does he even love me anymore?  This baby changed him, changed me and it hasn't even been born yet. I have less than 6 months to get excited about life again. Sometimes I just want to give up and honestly I am at the end of the rope with it tied around just waiting for the chair to be kicked out from underneath me.

And, eventhough no one reads these poems, rants and raves, it feels good to just release my feelings into the unknown where I cannot be judged.

Don't want lonliness....

Erase my scars
buried deep inside
I only want you
but you are too blind
I am standing here
heart on my sleeve
Hesitatnt I know
Afraid of letting go
These have been some of
the best days of my life.
Laughter all the time
smiles all around
you bring the best in me out.
I don't want to be lonely anymore.

The Light that Shines, can eventually Dim

So lately I have been the happiest I have been in a while..
I was in that state of delusion that everything is gleaming
but in reality it was like a shiny penny
eventually even it loses its luster.
I want to be the best thing he could have imagined,
the one to support his actions and goals,
It wasn't love, we weren't there yet
but there was definitely a deep connection.
The potential that it had was great.
My heart is not broken but only slightly cracked
and if he realizes the girl I am before it's to late
things could still open all the doors to possibilities.
I had this wall built to where it was hard to let a man in
and look what happened, I did and now it can't be fixed. 
The way he made me feel was unlike any other and
now he has made me want to feel it again.
I could have been his best friend, the one to pick him up when he was down.
It has never been about what he thinks he needs to be able to give me
or the money he thinks he needs to make.
I "fell" for him for exactly the way he is and was when he was no one to me.
I have been waiting for this feeling and to have the burst of butterflies.
You know the ones, the ones you get with the simple thought of someone,
when that song plays or when the phone rings and you know that it's him, the smile you get on your face with you see him leaning against the wall of your house just waiting for you to open that door. 
Those are the things to live for, the things to want in life.
I want those things, in all of my life I had this plan and never,
ever did I see this turn of events.
The plan I had has been altered so many times that it's blurry,
Getting through all the difficulties of past relationships and hardships,
I am smiling and laughing again.
The simple thought of holding hands makes me feel like a woman with a purpose.
The lights are now coming to a dim and my heart aches just a little,
but as the say "this too shall pass." 

Speechless - The Veronicas

Destined Life...

           You never know what is truly going on unless you open your eyes and are free of judgment.  Throughout a persons life they will change, they will grow and they will make mistakes getting there. And like they say, "If I knew then what I know now, things would be different."  Yes this is true but then I wouldn't be me.  I have made decisions in my life that have broken me and I have made decisions in my life that have allowed me to better myself.  If I am a strong person and learn through my actions then I can only achieve more in life.  If I am weak and let the best get to me then all the mistakes I have learned from would have been for nothing.                                                                                                  
           Living and learning are a part of life and mold you into the person you were destined to be.  It my have take me 6 years to get my degree, but dammit I got it.  It was a sense of accomplishment and only has inspired me to continue.  Being someone important in someone's life is what I aspire to do.  I want to make a difference and have the career I am destined for mean something.  Everyone deserves a chance at a great life, but only someone who is dedicated will get that chance.  Don't let trouble times bring you down, because they are what make you and what help you to stand tall and be proud of who you will and are becoming.  Like Steve Tyler Said in a song,

Cliche to Love

·         I don't have to pretend when I am around you
You don't have to be in a disguise...
standing out is what you're meant to do...
Why change yourself or who you are inside?
We were meant to break these molds
Why try to fit within the lines?
I happen to love the thunder before the storm,
the roses with the thorns,
and the rainbow that you know will always emerge.
I didn't know what I would find
and every time I close my eyes, it’s your face I see in the dark.
I didn't win the battle but hopefully I'll win the war,
have you figured it out yet...it's your heart I'm fighting for.
Afraid of rejection, and scared to open that door,
but if I lose, at least I never gave up and tried
this settle the score.
It's not a game that I like to play, and have been hurt before,
but in reality the ups and downs make us who we are

The Me I Am, Is For You...

I am the girl who gives all of me. I go through the good and bad with someone. I am the girl who wants to love all of someone no matter what their life was or is. When I love, I love flaws and all. The flaws are what make the person unique and individual. I am the girl who walks around proud to have you by my side. I am the girl that is comfortable with who you are no matter what your issues are or were and am there always. I am the girl who doesn't mind random people coming up and asking for change because its doesn't ruin the night, it just adds to the memory in the making. I am that Partner, that someone, who knows how to be good to you and want you the way you are and be with you as you succeed.

I Don't give up easy,
Don't underestimate me
I have faith, I have conviction, I believe in myself as a woman and a partner.
I think positive in every situation and make lemonade when handed lemons.
Everyone has negativity, I can't escape it, I have to face it head on and not let go
of what I believe in.
My heart is here for you, and it has a lot to give, emotionally and physically.
I am an emotional girl; everyone comes with baggage. Who you are is where I want to be!!