Like the title says, what is my life really becoming? I went from being happy, to planning a wedding, to planning a baby and now I don't know what plans I have for my life.
Sometimes I don't even know if I am going to be going at this alone. Am I going to be raising this baby on my own? is he going to be in this with me? I just don't know. All I do know is that I am saving for a rainy day. I look down at my finger and I see this ring. A ring that is to be a symbol of his affection, of his love and want to be with me, but lately I don't even think he likes me. He keeps changing his habits and the flow we had. Now we're on different wave lengths and I don't think that he really cares anymore. I feel like he is here because we got pregnant now.
I feel awful that I have not gotten excited to be a mom. The plans I had were all coming true. I wanted nothing more than to marry a man who loves me. Start a family and just be happy. Did I plan for ups and downs, of course but I was naive enough to think that love could surpass that. Now that it isn't working I wonder if I am cut out for this life that I had planned for myself. Maybe I am not cut out to be a mother, maybe I am not cut out to be a wife. Maybe I'm not cut out to be here period.
And,here I am coming up with reasons as to why my life is miserable. I should be condemned for saying some of the things that I do and feelins that Iam having. Did this baby happen at the wrong time? Are we just not meant to be? Does he even love me anymore? This baby changed him, changed me and it hasn't even been born yet. I have less than 6 months to get excited about life again. Sometimes I just want to give up and honestly I am at the end of the rope with it tied around just waiting for the chair to be kicked out from underneath me.
And, eventhough no one reads these poems, rants and raves, it feels good to just release my feelings into the unknown where I cannot be judged.
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